You know when the honeymoon phase is over, and things aren’t exciting anymore…

…and you’re wondering if you’re simply in a rut, or if you should move on.

It can happen in older relationships, too. We can get into a rut after dating for a few years, after getting married, when we’re raising kids, and even later in life when the kids are out of home.

Retired couples can even hit a rut.

But how do you tell? Here’s 4 signs.

1. You don’t do fun things together anymore.

You probably have things like you like to do as a couple: go out to dinner, dancing, playing pool, hiking, trips into the mountains, visiting new cities, art museums…

You had something. Several somethings.

But now you don’t spend time together.

You might be in a rut.

2. You’re more excited about checking things on your phone.

If you’re always focusing elsewhere and not on your partner, the relationship might be dying a slow death.

You’ve gotten bored with each other and are in a rut. It’s different than fighting all of the time or getting annoyed at each other, so you might not see it as an issue.

But a rut can ruin a relationship if left unchecked.

3. You say “I love you” on autopilot.

If you stop and think about it, do you feel any love?

4. Your conversations are business.

You discuss the bills. The kids. The house. The weekly schedule.

But you don’t talk about your dreams, goals, or things you want to do together.

You’re like roommates.

All four of these signs mean you’re probably in a relationship rut.

But here’s the good news. That’s not the same thing as a relationship on the rocks.

If you realize you’re in a rut and want to make things exciting again, you can turn things around.

But how do you tell it’s a rut and not something worse?

Well…

1. You seem to have grown apart or are co-existing together without much excitement or passion…but you’re not fighting all of the time.
2. Both of you are still being faithful.
3. The big frustration in the relationship is that you don’t have those warm and fuzzy feelings. That means you still want them with this person.
4. You miss your relationship from when you were closer.
5. There doesn’t seem to be anything wrong, but it’s not right either.

So if you determine that you’re stuck in a rut…but you want to make things better, read on.

Here’s 4 steps to pulling your relationship out of a rut:

1. Surprise your special someone.

Come home with flowers, a bottle of wine, or something they’ll appreciate. Tell them, “It seems like we’re in a rut and I want to take the time to tell you how special you are to me.”

Tell them you want to have fun together and spend time talking and doing things. Ask them what they want to do.

2. Have meals together again and put the phones away.

Make dinner time about talking, not silently eating, or not eating together, or eating while engaging with other people on your phone.

3. Make a time to connect every day.

Ask your partner if they’ll join you for a morning or evening walk, lunch every day if you’re both busy in the evening, or “hot tub” time, or another way that you two can have 15 or more minutes to just enjoy each other’s company.

4. Find or revive a shared passion or project.

Having a shared purpose can do wonders for your relationship.

It could be that one of you is going through something and you can work on it together.

Or you can find a new hobby to try out: a dance or cooking class, playing golf, starting  a new business, or joining a club.

There is probably something you’ve talked about doing together.

Or maybe something you used to share and enjoy?

Find a way to connect again.

Open communication lines.

Don’t start this process with discussing problems. You want to rekindle your passion and relationship.

But at some point, you should ask your partner what they think happened.

Are there any issues in the relationship that need worked on?

Do you both of you feel fulfilled? Or have you lost certain elements of your relationship, like supporting each other?

Really listen to your partner’s answers.

Being in a rut can lead to bigger problems if you just give up. But sometimes, realizing you’re in a rut is a cry for help.

It means you could have a vibrant relationship, and you’ve realized you want that, so take the above steps to make a difference in your partner’s life today and your relationship tomorrow.

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